Roofus the Rambunctious Rutabaga

Farmer Bard had a very amiable farm which resided in a quaint county at the zenith of a hill. This farm had been family owned for generations and had continuously remained quiet, tranquil, and pious. O and you would be staggered by the assortment of fine vegetables and critters that were raised here. Among the many acres lay a small patch, no more than 100 square cubits, where rutabagas are born. Some may ask the significance of clearly the most boring of roots to this peaceful little spot of Eden. Well if you quit your bitching, I’ll tell you. Twas a warm summer evening when Linda Rutabaga gave birth to Roofus, a queer fella even for a vegetable. In his younger days, he would play same as the other children folk, but he soon learned that he never quite fit in. You see, Roofus was…rambunctious, a quality never given to Rutabaga, at least not in this county. Quite exuberant and vulgar was the speech of Roofus. “Farmer damn It! Can a motherfucking veggie get a drop of booze once and a while!” he would say. Often he would run far from his safe patch and cause mischief with other plants, the worse of which were the Buddhist carrots. “Hey, ya orange dicks!” he would scream. “I got something for ya” and he would pelt them with mayonnaise and exclaim a statement such as they were ejaculating. Quite decrepit to say the least is all this mayhem as I’m sure you, my sophisticated audience, will agree. Now, despite these horrid undertakings, rutabagas are not the kind to abandon their kin, so they accepted Roofus, though most would not associate with him. “I’m now into interspecies sex” was one of Roofus’s claims one evening. “I wana fuck the farmer’s daughter!” This, of course, was a declaration of defiance to the farmer’s hand, and ye know that “thou shalt not muzzle the ox when he treadeth out the corn.” The rutabagas had no choice but to cast out Roofus and let him be, but the audacity, the ignorance of the kindred people would leave Roofus in quite a state. He took it to himself to make a score with Laudia, the farmer’s daughter. Our rotund deviant thus snuck into Laudia’s bedroom one night and set his eyes on the lass and moved his vines slowly and deviously into Laudia’s purse and snatched her prized pink flower and made off in the night. With this flower, he pollinated so hard that bees everywhere would have quite an arduous vocation about them. Wait…are you saying that you assumed Roofus was going to undergo coitus with Laudia? Don’t be absurd! Roofus is a plant and therefore has no penis so how on Earth did you imagine that would happen? I mean really, grow up! Anyway, in our present temporal state, whilst you as well as I lay comfortable by the fireplace sipping our brandy and wiping our monocles, Roofus undertook the dainty career of “futon salesman” and happens to own the second largest futon distributor in Alexander County, NC. Well, now you know of the plight of Roofus and hopefully you learned something too.

Until next time, I’m Edward Plaza; “And Theeerrres the Ball!”

Who would win: Grizzly Bear vs. Nile Crocodile

Deep inside the testicles of every male burns the awesome desire to witness Earth’s destructive forces clash into magnificent cataclysm. The American Grizzly bear: one of nature’s apex killing machines and the most feared of all mammals! With an average weight of 800 pounds and length of 8 feet, these monsters have no problem standing up to anything that crosses their path. Their weapons: 5 inch long curved claws, a mouth sporting 2 inch teeth and a bite force of about 1160 lbs/sq(in) [humans have about 100]. The bear also sports a thick hide of fur and fat, granting it a commendable defense. That’s not all, though, for evolution has made grizzly bears poor predators (they rarely go after large prey). Instead, they are adapted to digging tough soil and climbing trees with massive shoulder and arm muscles. In fact, in 19th century California, fights were established pitting grizzlies against bulls and lions. In every case, the grizzly crushed their skulls in a single blow!

In the other corner we find the Nile crocodile, an apex beast which nature has deemed so perfect that it has been virtually unchanged for millions of years. At an average 16 feet and 500 pounds, this monster has no trouble grabbing zebras, humans, and any other creature dumb enough to enter its domain. The croc is a stealth predator which lays in water, virtually invisible and motionless, yet is able to move with such speed as to grab skittish antelope before their knowing. Most reptiles have tough scales and this is especially true of crocodilians. While better armored than the bear, the crocodile has only one weapon: its jaws. Actually, the Nile crocodile needs no other tool because it has the strongest bite force on the planet known at over 5000 lbs/sq(in)! In addition, they are strong enough to pull prey weighing over a ton into the water and holding them under.

Both of these destroyers are easily considered among Earth’s top killing machines, yet when pitted against each other, only one can come out alive. In all fairness, each are a master of their own domain, being that almost 100% of the time, a croc out of water will lose and a croc in water will win (due to nature’s design). However, I’m removing this habitat advantage and considering the data as opposed to actually imagining a fight between the two which would never occur in nature. Due to the massive bite force of the crocodile, a good bite to the bear would mean victory. That is to say, a good bite. The bear is faster on land than the crocodile is in water, although the crocodile has more agile neck muscles. The bear can’t hope to call victory by mean of biting or cutting due to the crocodile’s skin, so this truly is a match with each side only able to utilize one tactic: the crocodile tries to land a bite while the bear must be able to hit the croc with the full force of its arms. The croc, however, is more prone to remain still and defensive due to its nature. The bear can try attacking from behind, though the long body of the croc means that the bear would only have access to the tail, a rather useless target. However, because the bear has legs which it can utilize for the offensive and defensive, it provides the creature with an advantage. A head on attack by the bear would certainly result in a terrible wound, but perhaps the croc grabs too much fat at fails at a distinguishable blow. The battle would be over soon, because the bear would bite and strike the crocs head, though the position of the crocs head would be difficult to strike while at least part of the bear is bitten. Both animals have incredible strengths and advantages, but only one can win.

It is my personal opinion based on the data that (minus the environment advantages/disadvantages) that the Grizzly bear will win 6/10 times against the croc. However, remember that 100% of the time the croc will win in the water; it’s an apex predator of its environment. The sheer strength of both animals should not be underestimated. The bear, however, has more weapons and speed. Even though the croc is stronger than the bear, the bear can more easily utilize its strength because they are contained in versitile appendages. It was not an easy decision but it is one that I feel is correct.